definitely did not do anything wrong
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?