Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
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There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad