Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!