The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.