Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
This is my pinned tweet
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet