“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
A classic…
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.