mathematically impossible
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Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad