i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
それは草
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.