“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.