brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Thinking about Jeff
This will never not be funny to me.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Duolingo getting serious.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.