I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend