Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Selfie
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.