Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
not for long
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.