I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Perfect.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night