Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
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I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.