Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Day 2 of my diet
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.