Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
saw this in a dream
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.