I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Oh we’ve met.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced