ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
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*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?