A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Me: That鈥檚 a very interesting sculpture
Her: It鈥檚 Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it鈥檚 yours. You don鈥檛 have to be a jerk about it
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Karl鈥檚 toupee isn鈥檛 fooling any one
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State 禄
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don鈥檛 get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow鈥檚 veil
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
cop: if i were you i wouldn鈥檛 leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone鈥檚 hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I鈥檝e been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I鈥檓 inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps