The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
me hitting on a model
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.