[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
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My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Lmfaoooooo
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Don’t tell me what to do
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing