him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
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wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
2023 was just a warmup
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon