*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
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Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Whoa 😂
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated