ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.