I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
You Might Also Like
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Y’all ready for this
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*