HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
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MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.