“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.