Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
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Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.