All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
There is no “we” in chocolate.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.