Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
the three branches of government
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I have so many questions.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere