Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
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With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Not my job 😂
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.