Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
How funny!
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit