I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
me doing my best
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
😂🤣😂🤣
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Ken is short for chicken
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)