I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..