We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
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When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Science memes
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana