I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.