Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
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[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
When ur friends with white people
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I found your tweet-up…
Botany good plants lately?