Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.