i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
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11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.