So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…