Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch