[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?