actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
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me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Holy crap this is wonderful
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?