You Might Also Like
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…