MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
You Might Also Like
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
School be like