the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
You Might Also Like
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Whoa 😂
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I hope this email finds you in a well
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what