My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
You Might Also Like
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
All. The. Damn. Time.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Aw man, but that’s the best part