When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
relationship goals
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.