The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
A woman drives into a bar.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
podcasts
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
#Caturday
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license